Ask Nancy
"Ask the Chaplain" by the Rev. Nancy Duncan LCPC, Chaplain to Clergy FamiliesThis web column is designed to raise awareness of the challenges facing clergy families and to generate discussion about the complexity of the relationships between church, clergy and family. As I have traveled around the diocese meeting clergy family members, I have heard many questions and comments about the nature of the role of clergy families in the parish. This initial column is fictionalized to protect confidentiality while illustrating some of the concerns and dilemmas that people have shared. To submit your own real life questions for future columns, write famchpln@midcoast.com. To contact Nancy Duncan for confidential pastoral care, see contact information below.
Dear Nancy,
We have a new priest coming to our parish. How can we help the whole family be comfortable here?
Dear Loving Parishioner,
Over and over again, I have talked with clergy family members about the challenges and joys of living as clergy family within the church and community. The role is complicated and unclear. Over and over again, I have said, “You have choices. Say yes to what you feel called to do and no to what you are not called to do. So what if some people in the parish are upset.” Every family member is different and called to live their faith in their own unique ways.
Help the clergy spouse and family by giving them the freedom, support, and flexibility to choose their own level of involvement in the parish. They will need to find friends outside of the church. Respect the family's privacy. Share resources about the community. Recognize that moving is hard, and that it will take time for the family to find their own way. Call me if you have specific questions or concerns about welcoming a clergy family into your church and community.
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
I have heard so many stories about clergy kids who leave the church in their teens and never return. I want my sons (age 9 and 11) to have the comfort and support of the church through their tumultuous teens. What can I do?
Worried
Dear Worried,
You cannot be both clergy and parent to your children, especially during adolescence when your children will be establishing their own identities. Consider enrolling your kids in the programs of another church. By introducing them to ministries beyond your church, you can help them find a place where they can be independent from you and still be part of a Christian community. Check neighboring church newsletters for news of vacation Bible School, mission trips, or after school programs. If your son has a relationship with another church before adolescence, he may choose to leave your church to attend another one where he will still have the benefits of a loving church community. If your child chooses to stay in the Episcopal Church, find and support good youth leaders and then distance yourself from the day to day youth planning to give your child more independence. The Diocese of Maine has wonderful youth programming which brings kids from all over the state together. From Teens Encounter Christ (TEC) to Believe it or Not (BION) to Bishopwood, there are great ministries for youth. Start young so that your sons will have strong relationships to other youth and leaders prior to adolescence. Finally, regardless of what you do, your children may choose to leave the church.
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
I love the parish my wife serves. They are so accepting. When our son pierced his tongue, they didn't bat an eye. They even pay to have a separate church phone line in our home for emergencies so that the children and I don't have to take messages and our home phone isn't tied up with church calls. We are blessed.
Grateful
Dear Grateful,
Congratulations! The seemingly little things make all the difference. People don't realize how draining it can be for a family to serve as church secretary. Clergy should be clear with the parish about how they would like to be contacted (message at church, email, cell phone, or home phone) and under what circumstances a call to the home is warranted.
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
I am a police officer in town. Several weeks ago, I saw the priest's son return from the quarry with kids I have repeatedly arrested for underage drinking. Yesterday, I saw them again, and they appeared to be under the influence of alcohol. I don't know if his parents know this or if they know how to get help. I don't want to butt into my priest's personal life but I am worried about this child and the family. What should I do?
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Good question. As a police officer, it is possible that you know more than your priest about what his son is doing and with whom the son is spending time. Plus, given a priest's role in the community, it can be especially embarrassing and difficult to find the help needed to address a problem like this.
I would suggest that you ask to speak with both parents in a private place. I would be clear that you are not judging them and that you just want to be sure that they have all the information. I would quickly share what you know about where and when their son was seen doing what. If you have specific information about potentially helpful services, give that to the parents. Using services in a neighboring community may provide them with a greater sense of privacy. They may feel like they owe you an explanation. They don't. Focus on giving them information and resources. It will be important that the meeting be straightforward and short. Let them know of your concern as well as your respect for their privacy as they address this issue. Of course, the parents could call me for consultation. Finally, do not give the son special treatment. If you see him breaking the law you will need to arrest him.
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
My wife just came home and said that the Vestry cancelled our vacation because they couldn't find a priest. There was no pastoral emergency. It is too late for me to change my vacation. I am so angry at Vestry I don't even want to attend church any more!
Angry
Dear Angry,
Why are you only angry at the Vestry? Your wife, the priest, appears to have gone along with this. Did she suggest a service of Morning Prayer with a lay leader? Did any one contact the Bishop's office for a list of priests willing to supply preach? It is up to priests to recognize their families scheduling needs, and then consistently state those requirements clearly to the vestry.
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
My wife is about to be ordained. How do I enter into a new community with her? How do I support her without getting in the way or threatening her self-esteem? If someone talks to me during the church coffee hour do I share that information with my wife or is it confidential? How do we deal with people's comments about our lifestyle (i.e., the car we drive, the vacations we take, etc.)? What should I know?
Planning for the Future
Dear Planning for the Future,
You are asking all of the right questions and both churches and clergy families should ask them more often. Many marriages benefit from some separation between work responsibilities and family life. This may mean that you rarely attend church with your wife or if you do, find a discrete role that leaves you out of the day to day administration of the church.
Some parishioners will probably always misperceive things about one's personal lifestyle. Some clergy share a lot of information about their life style. Others are more private. I think it is important for the couple to be clear about who they are and what kinds of information is private and what is public. If the focus of the ministry turns into conversations about where you went for vacation or what car you are driving, something else is probably wrong.
I recommend that both spouse and clergy find supports in a new community which are outside of the church. Go and do what you want to do. Join the organizations that interest you. Be aware that your actions may impact your spouse's reputation but it is important for you to be authentic and follow your heart. People will respect you for it and besides God calls each of us to different kinds of service.
In terms of confidentiality of coffee hour conversations, I think it is generally assumed that it is OK to share with the priest. I would assume that some people would be distressed if you didn't share the info. The cleanest way to address this is to ask permission before sharing it with your wife and to direct people to talk to her. This is especially true if someone comes to complain about the decision the vestry just made or your wife's recent sermon; Redirect those conversations back to your wife and change the subject or end the conversation quickly. People will quickly learn that you will not be helpful with the internal church operations and won't bring up those issues as frequently. You don't want to be in a situation where someone is complaining to you instead of your wife who might be able to address the issue directly and effectively. Finally, never share information that your wife has shared about her feelings or concerns; And please don't tell people that she drives you nuts because she leaves a trail of clutter from the bedroom to the kitchen to the living room on her way out the door to church each Sunday morning!
Keep asking the questions. Keep talking to your wife. Trust your own instincts and know that there are many effective ways to minister to your wife as she ministers to the congregation, from cooking dinner on Saturday night to proofreading her newsletter article to inviting her into the relationships that you build outside of the church. Finally, keep a sense of humor. Good Luck!
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
I am a mother of two young children ages 5 and 2. My family recently moved to a rural community where my husband is serving his first parish. He loves his work but I am lonely. I left lots of friends & a career to come to Maine & be a stay at home mother. I take my two year old to a play group every week where I have made friends with some of the other mothers. One of them invited me to join the women's ice hockey team this coming winter. I used to play hockey in college & loved it. I could make friends, get a break, & even take off the 10 pounds I gained with my last pregnancy. Unfortunately, they practice on Sunday mornings. My friend says that her husband provides child care for the kids at the rink during the Sunday practice so that wouldn't be a problem. I have talked to my husband about it and he agrees that it would be good for me but he is afraid that the church will be upset if I do this. I want to support my husband but I am so lonely. What shall I do?
Homebound
Dear Homebound,
Congratulations on finding a good friend outside of the parish! It is critical to the health of families that each member have some individual friends and outlets.
First parishes can be tough and priests, especially new ones, strive to please and keep everyone in the parish happy. It initially may be difficult for your husband to support your desire to skate when he is afraid it could jeopardize his relationship with a few parishioners. Over and over again, priests are faced with circumstances in which they perceive that the needs/desires of the parish conflict with important aspects of their family's life. However, it sounds like both you and your husband agree that the hockey team would be good for you and you have found childcare. It is up to you and your husband, not the church, to decide what is best for your family. Happy Skating.
Nancy
The Reverend Nancy R. Duncan, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Chaplain to Clergy Families, can be reached by email at famchpln@midcoast.com,. Funded by the Bishop's Discretionary Fund, she is available to offer pastoral care to families of clergy in the Diocese of Maine.
